This is my apology to any and everyone to whom I have assisted in providing false hope in an unhealthy relationship. I flaunted my pretend “Brady Bunch,” showing only the good and none of the bad (human nature right?). Don’t get me wrong, there were a couple slip-ups where I let my anger get the best of me and posted really, I mean, REALLY stupid and juvenile statuses as a defense mechanism. I encouraged my friends/peers to stay in unhealthy and unproductive relationships without even realizing it. I became wrapped up in my relationship and attempting to “come back” from the mistakes I had made in the past. I was fixated on turning the mess of a situation I had allowed myself to become so deeply a part of into “the perfect family.”
I am writing this because I’ve seen a few young women, most of whom I went to school with, worked with, etc. go through very similar situations. I don’t understand it. These are women who come from seemingly good families, are private-school educated, and hard working mothers. Somehow, we became momentarily “stuck” in these ridiculously unhealthy and plain BAD relationships. We try to “work it out” for the kids because, after all, a two-parent household is what every child deserves.
While I can only speak with absolute confidence on my own situation, I would be willing to bet that most of us even rationalized “settling” (something we were told NOT to do) because, at the time, it wasn’t all bad. In my experience, settling only makes matters worse. You know, if you give a mouse a cookie, he’ll want a glass of milk. Only in this case, its more like if you give a womanizer a family, he’ll want a side-chick. This is an age-old problem that will always be.
In the last four years I have learned that there is a fine line between what is portrayed as being “strong” and what is in fact, stupid. Enablers will tell you how “strong” of a woman you are for holding your family together at all costs. However, maintaining a two-parent home should not cost you your dignity. Turning your head the other way when he fails to come home at night and doesn’t answer his phone is NOT being a strong woman. Making excuses for him when he demeans you in private, in public, or most importantly, in front of your children is NOT what it means to be a “submissive” woman. Accepting his too-close for comfort relationship with his previous “baby mama” because they have a kid together is flat out WACK.
Strength is not measured by how much you can put up with before you break, but knowing when to walk away before you do. Coming to the realization that it is time to let go of the only person (other than your own children) that you have ever invested so much time, love, emotion, and more likely than not, money in is one of the hardest and most confusing forms of heart-ache. It is very similar to the death of a loved one, because you are losing your partner in life. In a sense it is even harder to mourn the loss of a relationship when you still have to maintain contact with them for the sake of your child(ren).
One definition of strength states that it is moral power, courage, or firmness. Walking away from a relationship that you no longer have an interest in is one thing, but leaving because the other party has done everything imaginable to you, short of physically pushing you out the door, when you still feel very deeply for them takes serious mental strength. Most of these women I’ve referred to have left or divorced their counterpart and for a long time I somewhat envied their courage. So, while I started this on an apologetic note, I would like to end it with a “thank you” to those truly strong women who have, without even knowing it, aided in my own struggle to find the strength within myself to walk away. That’s my piece...for now.
